Snape and His Many...Interests
by Dark Dragon 771
Summary: Harry knows an aweful secret of Snape's! And He learns that blackmail is sweet! While trying to deal with his complicated love-life, he has to help Hermione and Ron too!
1. The First Question

Snape and His Many... Interests  
  
by Marty  
  
A/N: ok, this is my first story and I'm new at fanfic. So give my a great welcome and R&R! It starts slow, but it gets really good-really fast! Just don't be in a serious mood about Buffy or Spike (those of you who watch it) when you start this, or you'll hate the story, and review it badly. Other than that, as long as you're not creeps, please R&R! And by the way, here's a famous quote that applies to my story: "I'm not dissing gays, I'm dissing the HP characters" So please keep that in mind. Please. Please. Please. Ok, and my computer, made in the Stone Age, doesn't have spell check, so just live with that. Oh, and one more thing, the chapters are short, but that means 2 good things. Good thing the first: It's fast moving and won't get boring. Good thing the second: It means if it's short it'll still have a lot of chapters, and that's how I can present it! So go ahead...read..go!  
  
  
  
Rating: pg13. WHY? Because nobody would read it if it weren't (we're all hoping) And because it's not bad (unless you think bloody is a bad word-I use it a lot)  
  
  
  
CHAPTER I  
  
The First Question  
  
I was walking down the long corridor, creeping down to conceal myself in shadows, jumping at every sound. Hogwarts looked even stranger after hours. Pulling out my invisibility cloak, I wrapped it around myself. Instantly I became nothing more than a bobbing head about 5 and a half feet above the floor. I quickly covered my head also and continued to the dungeons.  
  
I crept along, avoiding any mirrors. It looked too strange to see nothing, no reflection, in the shiny glass. No matter how long I had the Cloak of Invisibility, I couldn't shake the feeling of being invisable.  
  
I had reached the last staircase-the one that landed at the dungeons. I steped onto the floor and immidiatly took my foot away. The cement floor was as cold as a winter in Sweeden, it surged through my body like sugar through even through my shoes.  
  
I shivred as I recalled my plan, knowing I'd have to walk on that floor of ice.  
  
I continued on, until I came to the forbidden door: Snape's supply closet.  
  
I tried the door, it was locked of course. I took out my wand and, brandishing it like a fork at a piece of turkey, waved it at the lock and willed it to open.  
  
With a short click the door unlocked and stood slightly ajar. I opened it all the way and peered inside. There were shelves from the floor to above my head., completely lined with equiptment: jars, bottles, pouches, and bags of reused plumes, their stems frayed and broken with time and enchamtment.  
  
I looked around, searching for what I needed: a cure to Ron's sudden outburst of hysterical laughter, which kept us up all night and was bloodly annoying! Unfortunetily for me, I was voted to steal the ingrediants.  
  
Suddenly a shadow loomed over me, a shadow which I realized with dread was Snape.  
  
"Evening, Mr. Potter," he said with as much meloncoly as was allowed.  
  
Snape, I thought, just my luck to run into that beast of a man. He sure smells horrible, too. But, wait-how did he know I was here?  
  
As if answering my question, he said, "one must be careful while being invisable." He held up the cloak. "Like not showing oneself."  
  
I turned around and looked up into Snapes...grogy eyes? In fact, the closer I looked at him, the more I saw how disoriented he was. "Snape?" I asked, astonished, "are you drunk?!?!" 


	2. An Unwanted Answer

CHAPTER II  
  
An Unwanted Answer  
  
a/n: ok, so if you've tried to read my story before, you know that it was all one long "chapter". Well, as you see, now I've gotten a little smarter. (Just a little) *holds up thumb and forefinger in a tiny sign* I've got it in real chapters, where there will be an author's note at the beginning of everyone chapter explaining the chapter, what's to come, and just other really annoying notes. By the way this is one of them. See, isn't it annoying? Don't you just wanna get on with the story? I mean you're right in the middle of a very funny conversation. But I'm one of those really annoying authors who likes to "draw suspense" and cuts it off. Yeah, I know, why does anyone even read my stuff? Because it's good. (and I'm being modest as I say that. I'm not being too modest now, however!) so please r&r, and congradulations-you're one of those suckers, I'm mean customers, who's reading my story! (laughs evilly)  
  
At this, Snape snorted. "Drunk? What kind of a professor do you take me as?" (This said, I decided not to answer.) "Drunk? Why, being drunk is for losers like your parents. Well, your mother at least. Your father was quite good in...anyway-DRUNK? Surley I am!"  
  
I could smell the beer on his breath, which was even more quite unusual because Snape's breath was always minty fresh. It had been fresh even when Hagred got angry one time and stuffed a live cod down his throat. He choaked for awhile, but his breath was fine, once he could breathe again. Anyway, I didn't know what to do with Snape. I decided to just put the cloak back on and run back up to the Fat Lady. But then I shuddered at that thought. The Fat Lady at this time of year always got really hot, and well, she just doesn't look good in a speedo okay? I adjusted my mind out of that scary place, and focased back on the real problem. Snape was still talking.  
  
"And whenever I watch it, I just start to cry," he was saying, "I mean Spike. He is so hot. He looks like Lucious Malfoy. It tears me up inside. I loved him so much, Malfoy, and he turned me down for Narcsissa." He fell to the ground in a broken heap.  
  
Carefully putting on my cloak, I backed up, thinking I'd rather face the Fat Lady than Filch wnen he sees Snape. His cries carried down the hall and I heard Filch's running footsteps as he ran down to see what the problem was. He ran right past me, and if he would have looked closer, he would have seen the bit of wand sticking out of the cloak. 


	3. Contemplating the Matter

CHAPTER III  
  
Contemplating the Matter  
  
a/n: This is one of my good places to start a new chapter. You'll see why in a minute.  
  
"And then, after he told me he was drunk, he started saying something about Lucious and him. It was terrifying. Ron, if you hadn't of seen Snape and Magonigal snogging that night at the Yule Ball, I would have thought him gay. This is so confusing. But why am I talking to you, anyway? You're only going to laugh at me."  
  
I was sitting at the Great Hall breakfast table talking to Ron and Hermon. (The author can't spell her real name, so just live with it!) Ron was still laughing hystericaly because I couldn't get the medicine last night. Ron wasn't much help in this situation, but Hermon, like always, had an idea.  
  
"He was drunk you know, as odd as that seems." She said, "maybe he didn't know what he was talking about. But no. That isn't right. When people are drunk, the truth slips, not made up things. But they make up things too, with some truth in it. But there could be more made up things than truth...or the other way around...Oh, Harry, now I'm more confused than you are? And for what? I really don't care about any of this. But I'm a nerd. Naturally I won't get any sleep tonight until I've figured it out. Oh Ron! Will you shut up? You're giving me a bloody headache!"  
  
Ron was still singing, and Hermon, thoroughley discussted, picked up the chicken pie that lay randomly on the table, for this exact reason she assured herself, and threw it at Ron's face. The filling spilled down his face and covered his shirt. But he was still laughing, making the perfect immitation like a male loon in mating season.  
  
"Hermon? Bloody Hell! What did you do that for? And don't ask me why I just said bloody hell. The author's trying desperately for people to read this, and she wants people to like it!!!! So, BLOODY HELL! What on Earth is wrong?"  
  
By the time I finished talking, Hermon had left, and Ron left the table.  
  
"Talking to yerself?" a voice said behind me, "that's a bad sign. A bad sign of being a bloody mugle!" It was Draco Malfoy. He and the two block-heads behind him laughed at this insult.  
  
"You're such a moron, Malfoy," I said with discust. I didn't want to pick a fight with him. I just wanted to say what was on my mind. I walked away, Malfoy chucking peas at my back. OW! I was shrieking in my mind, those really hurt!  
  
My first class was...(dun dun dun...) potions. I really didn't want to face Snape, but there was possible black mail in it for me, and that I wanted to find out. Black mail was sweet, and I wanted vengance-on Draco Malfoy. Actually, it wasn't for me. Hermon had gone bloody nuts over him, and for some reason, she said if she had black mail on him...something about snoging...I couldn't remember. Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to.  
  
As I walked into the Snape's room, thinking how it was so different in daylight, I scaned the room. Draco was sitting in the back, working his Death Eater Charms on some Hufflepuff girl. The girl was giggling without trying to hold it back. Draco looked pleased. Just another girl whose heart he would shortly break. That is, after at least two very long snogging sessions. Other Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor, were taking their seats. I sat down too, and as I did Snape burst into the room. 


	4. Everything Comes With a Price

CHAPTER IV  
  
Everything Comes With a Price  
  
a/n: now, don't get me wrong, I love Snape, but it's always good to make him evil! The more the evil, the hotter they get! As you can tell, I've never been one for SuperMan! And God would I love to get my hands on Kryptonite! MWAHAHAHAHA! and by the way, I have no idea what Hermon and Snape are talking about either. You'll see what I mean when you read. I just write, I don't know either! =) have fun!  
  
A hush fell over the class. Snape was never late. Never. Usually he hid in the shadows until someone he didn't like said something he didn't like. Only then would he reveal himself. But he only now got in. This would be normal for any other teacher, after all it was the first class of the day. Anyone could late.  
  
Snape, looking very tired, from lack of sleep, I thought, walked to his desk and set down his things. He looked back up to the class, his usual stearn face back.  
  
"Now," he said coldly, "can anyone tell me what 12 ounces of barley and 10 ounces of sulpher would make?" An even more silent silence fell over the class. "Well?" he roared, "what is it? Hermon?"  
  
"Well...um...actually...nothing..." Hermon answered truthfully. "But- Baron Juice and sulpher make troll acid. Is-is that what you meant?" Hermon was nervous.  
  
"Yes. 150 points deducted from Gryiffindor for correcting me."  
  
A sigh fell over a fourth of the class, a cheer in another. Hermon had slunk down in her chair, discusted with the world. I really wished Ron was here. He was in Gryffindor Common Room, probably, laughing it up about nothing. I needed his advice, I had a decission to make. I really didn't know what to do...but, this would be as good a time as ever.  
  
I shot up from my seat, knocking over the chair. "Hold it right there, Snape!" I shouted angrilly. His eyes glared at me, as if expecting what I'd say. The class fell once again silent. I continued, but not before taking a deep breath. "It was your bloody mistake. Your bloody problem you didn't get enough sleep last night because-"  
  
"Enough!" A roar came from the head of the class. Snape had lit his wand on fire. He looked more constipated than ever, I thought. Jeese-mad sure isn't his expression. "Enough. Sit down, Potter, and for God's sake hold your tounge-" that was a mistake to say- "and the points will not be deducted. Now calm your self, man."  
  
I reluctantly started to sit down, but I tripped over my fallen chair, flipped up in the air, and over all, made a complete idiot out of myself. "I just can't make an exit!" I complained. Laughter broke out, but then they realized they were in Snape's classroom and shouldn't. As I looked over at the students trying not to laugh, I saw Snape laughing too. At least, he was trying. He hadn't laughed heartidly since the time he got drunk with James Potter and one thing led to another and...His laugh sounded more like a drunk belching after 5 beers. Kinda like Barney the Puple Dinosaur.  
  
The lesson continued, though I don't think anyone, except maybe the Slytherins, was listening. That sentence 'hold your tounge' was a very bad thing for Snape to say. Now everyone knew that Snape had a secret that I knew, and he didn't want anyone else to know either. Gryffindor's retaken points had never been done before. This was all very strange. Hermon was giving me an odd look. I told her I'd tell her about it later. 


	5. Fudge for the Evil

CHAPTER V  
  
Fudge for the Evil  
  
a/n: now, for this chapter, you have to like the whole Hermon/draco thing. It's funny, not dramatic. (like I could write dramatic! j/k) and really remember that Draco really doesn't embarress easily. And yes, in this chapter, there is one of my hidden messages about relationships and friends. Read and you'll see! R&R!  
  
(Once again-a chapter starting with people talking and you're starting in the middle of it. That must get annoying.) "So I knew he wouldn't want me to tell anyone. It was a bit of a risk, but it was well worth it." I was talking to Hermon at lunch. Ron was sitting with us, but we were the only ones at the table. The three of us knew it was because of Ron, but no one said it.  
  
Ron was eating remarkably clean, for someone laughing like that. Hermon, on the other hand, was a mess. Speggitti sause was all over her face. At the Slytherin table Malfoy had the same problem, but also a fudge bar was stuck to his back, and he was trying desperatly to get it off.  
  
"A bit of a risk? Harry-you idiot! You could have cost us the House Cup this year! You just can't yell at Snape like that! But...I guess it was rather manly. You know-"  
  
"Oh no you don't! I will not let you suduce me! We're friends, and if anything messed that up, it would always be awkward. We'll have more fun together if we stay friends."  
  
Hermon pouted but said nothing. She was really lonely, but patient, always patient.  
  
"Now listen Hermon. We've got to keep our heads about this. Look at poor Ron! He really needs a cure!"  
  
"Like Hell he does!" Malfoy had walked over to us. "I think he's fine just like this. What's different? Looks the same. He got a haircut didn't he?" He was yelling by now because Ron had gotten louder. Ron, you see, was still consctious, and would have been yelling if he could. "Seriously, though, what is different? Still that same orangy hair...stupid freckles...dorkey clothes...WHAT? TELL ME!"  
  
By this time I was laughing so hard that Hermon had to flick a very painful pea at me to stop me. "No, you loser. You really are blonde!" (From somewhere not far off someone shouted "PUN ALERT! PUN ALERT!) "You really can't tell, huh? Oh well, if it's not that visable, maybe he doesn't need a cure! If you say-"  
  
"Yeah!" Hermon started, "if you say he's fine, he must be fine." She started blinking uncontrolably. I thought at first she was just batting her eyes at Malfoy, but then she ran out of the Great Hall screaming "this is a serious medical problem. Nurse! Nurse!"  
  
"What's gotten into her eyes?" Malfoy wondred aloud, "she looks like a bloody owl." As he turned around I saw a huge chocolate fudge stain on the back of his really sexy white silk shirt. 


	6. 3 Parts

CHAPTER VII  
  
What IS Normal?  
  
a/n: This is the chapter where Hermon goes crazy! This chapter is in 3 parts. The ending of the 1st part some people don't like. I don't know, maybe I went too far. But still, it's a part of the story. If you don't like it, just ignore it. It doesn't come into the story that much! Enjoy! and R&R!  
  
a/n: yes, I know, my story's the bomb! But this chapter's really short and kinda weird! It's dramatic, and about Snape, so yeah... but just remember he's human too, so he's got all the emotions as you! and please don't base how you feel about this chapter on the rest of my story! This chapter just adds to the story, just adds character. It's like the scene in the Little Mermaid when the King of the Sea is sad and thinks he was too hard on his daughter. Remember? He was talking to that little crab. That's just before the crab follows the mermaid to her secret cave thing with all of her treasures. That first scene just adds character to the King of the Sea, and makes the story better. In my opinion, anyway! Got it? Kool! Read on!  
  
Part 1 (A Turning Point)  
  
Meanwhile back in the smelly layer of Snape's dungeon, only shadows could be seen. But if you look really closely you'd see a sad, sorry looking figure laying in the back of the class. Snape was having a bad day. "Why?" he was whimpering, "why must he leave? Damn that man! I mean first Malfoy, then James? Am I really that un-attractive? I suppose I COULD wash my hair...or clean up my act a little. Maybe be nicer to the Gryf...NO! No! I won't! You can't make me change myself! This is who I am!"  
  
He fell back against the wall, crying all over again. "But I must do something. Yes...I'll compermise! I'll-"  
  
But then the bell rang, sounding the call for the afternoon classes. He got up, smoothed down his robes of black, ran his fingers through his hair(which came out dripping with grease) and headed to the front of the class.  
  
Part 2  
  
Classes were over. I walked up to Gryffindor Common Room. Shading my eyes from looking at the rather sluty Fat Lady, I stepped in. The sound of Ron's hysterical laughter immidiatly broke out. I sighed.  
  
"Harry," Hermon said, running up to me, "Ron's not getting any better! Look!" Ron was now jumping up and down like a dog begging for a bone. Presently he sat down and scratched the back of his ear with a foot. Then he looked around, very content.  
  
I sighed again. "Alright! Alright! I'll go back down to the dongeons tonight. But I don't want to."  
  
"Listen, if you run into Snape, just say you'll black-mail Malfoy! It's perfect. Then you can make him go out with me." Suddenly the background around her was dark, an evil smile crept across her lips, and she was alone in the room. She said coldly, "He'll be my slave. He'll do anything I want him to do. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
The room got lighter again, the people were there, and no one had seen her. "Wait! No! You can't!" Oliver Wood ran up to Hermon and me. He got down on his knees, grabbed Hermon's hand and started babbling. "No, my belovid! Go out with me! I bloody need you! I'm so lonely! I-I-NEED you!"  
  
"No!" Hermon said, repulsed, "try Harry-he'll LIKE that!" She nodded her head and faded away. I had already gone before she said this. I heard it as I ducked under a very low chair.  
  
Oliver looked up to the two Weasly twins. "Too strong?" He asked.  
  
They nodded their heads in agreement. I chuckled from my hiding place.  
  
Soon the Common Room was quiet. I was still under the chair. As I tried to come out, I realized I couldn't. "HELP!" I screamed, taking my usual really high tone of voice. "Anyone...Please..."  
  
Part 3  
  
After that DELIGHTFUL night was through, and Oliver had come to rescue me from underneith the chair I later called "the chair of death", things went pretty normal. Or so I thought.Yes, Ron was still laughing hysterically. Yes, Oliver was still stocking Hermon. Yes, Hermon still wanted to snog Malfoy. Yes-damn! This is normal? Well, anyway, I still needed to cure Ron. Last night I forgot to set my alarm for midnight. In the morning I woke up from being knocked over the head my my alarm clock. I guess Nevill didn't get much sleep, with Ron laughing like that.  
  
Classes went about the same. Potions was, again, extremely tense, although I managed not to COMPLETELY humiliate myself like yesterday. The worst thing that happened was that my experimental frog bit my ass and I had to go to the hospital wing. You see, today was the day the students came to watch the doctors do their work. You guess...  
  
Malfoy chucked peas at me again, and Hermon claimed he looked at her "that way" that all desperate girls want. Of course I rolled my eyes at this. In return, she stuffed a whole chicken down my throat. Going to the hospital wing twice really doesn't look good on your record.  
  
Through all of this, Ron, I guess, was in the Gryffindor Common Room, eating teaspoonfulls of sugar and washing it down with water. It wasn't until that night someone told him that's how you cure hickups and not hyserical laughter.  
  
I knew I had to get his medicine tonight, facing Snape or not. Maybe this time I could actually becareful while invisable, "like not being seen." Snape's words exactly. I shuddred at that. 


	7. The Real Story

CHAPTER VIII  
  
a/n: This is a funny sort of chapter. It's another chapter where Snape spills his guts out again. (not literally of course!) It's a little different from when he spilt out his guts in chapter 1, (look back) but it all fits, I hope! ANyway, if you have any questions about it, ask in your review. I don't know what I can do really. Just check my bio for the answers and I'll try...TRY...and one last thing: there's another a/n at the end of this chap. so read it!  
  
Creeping down the dungeon floor, I felt like I had done this before. I made sure no one saw the doors opening by themselves, or the wand that fell from nowhere when I dropped it unknowingly.  
  
Snape's supply closet came too soon. I took a deep breath and continued on. Again I tried the door and it was locked. I felt around in my pockets for my wand...but where was it?  
  
"Missing something Potter?" The voice was all too expected.  
  
I turned around and saw Snape with my wand. I was still invisable and wondred how he could have seen me. I kicked myself for being so stupid. But I kicked too hard in a rather sensetive spot and that just made everything worse! I pouted.  
  
I pulled the hood off of the cloak and stood looking at Snape with a few tears in my eyes. My left hand was in my pocket, still there from searching for the wand. My right hand was...well...tending to the sore spot.  
  
"Yes. You really should be more careful while...well doing ANYTHING after hours. You just got found out again and kicked your crotch to splinters in about 15 minutes. Really, do you have any dignity?"  
  
"Give me my wand and I'll leave." I lied with extreme inexperience, it showed.  
  
"Look, you bloody little half-breed, we both know you won't, and anyway, I need...to talk to you... about something."  
  
I followed Snape into his office, thinking of how I could quickly get away. Snape sat at his desk and I pulled up a chair. I carefully looked at where he set down my want. He started talking. "So, you know about me and...you father." (He mumbled your father.) "This is our story. I met James at Hogwarts. We were rivels, just like you and Draco. We fought each other and hated each other. But through all of that, we had two things in common. The first was your mother. We both adored her. And I admit, maybe she liked James better" (obviously I thought. I'm here aren't I?) "but still, I tried to seduce her. I got pretty far too...The second thing we had in common was...well...we enjoy the company of men... Now don't look so astonished. You saw how I was around Pro. Lupin"  
  
I dropped my jaw which dropped on the desk. After all these years...Now I know everything. I am the smarted boy alive. But then I adjusted the way I sat and realized...I was still pretty dumb.  
  
"Anyway, this was all before the great reign of HE-WHO-SHALL-NOT-BE- NAMED. When he came into power, James and I fought hand-in-hand to save the world. We nearly forgot about Lilly until we heard news that the city she lived in was being burnt down. James said he'd rescue her and bring her back here. I stayed to fight. But he never came back, and it turned out he wanted to be the one to rescue her because...you were about to be born. The code was to tell James the city was about to be destroyed. I cursed all things straight. I had trusted him!  
  
But when the three of you went into hiding, I didn't deceive you. I am proud to be gay. I am proud to my word. So that is how it is. And when I broke down like that the other night, well that was James and my anniversary. It's just so painful. I mean YOU never knew him. How could YOU be sad? But me, I loved him. and he deceived me. You don't know how that feels, to be deceived by the man you love. If you only knew...oh if you only knew."  
  
a/n: Yes, I know, weird. But Snape's ramblings are a big part of the story, so just live with them. He's done with them by the way. I hope you didn't think I'm dissing anyone, cause I'm not. It's just part of the story, ok? And by the way, yes I was just deceived by someone I like. So I'm still getting "revenge". Just to let ya know. (and to Tigre and Panthre: LO freaken' L!) 


	8. Malfoy and the Pink Bunnies

CHAPTER VIII  
  
Malfoy and the Pink Bunnies  
  
a/n: This chapter is really sweet for Harry-I mean me! He gets to use his blackmail and sees a lot of things he may wish he hadn't! Malfoy really comes into the story here, so the Malfoy fans should be happy! This chapter is really funny! And I hope you like it! Enjoy!  
  
"Ok, so why are you telling me this?" I asked. I knew Snape hadn't seen me take the wand from before his eyes. Maybe I was getting the hang of this cloak afterall. "I mean now I can really black-mail you!"  
  
"Yes...I suppose you can. But I thought I should tell you the whole story. This way maybe you'd understand and...and you wouldn't do anything mean to me?" Snape sounded so pitiful I was about to take under consideration to let him go with this one. But then he turned crazy...again: "I'VE BEEN THROUGH SO DAMN MUCH ALREADY, AND I'M NOT DEAD YET! Please! I beg of you! Don't let the whole school know of this. It would tear me up inside. You know it would!"  
  
Snape was looking into my eyes, the deep meaningful look you only want your lover to do. I looked away as I said. "No." And I hid myself in my cloak and was gone.  
  
I heard Snape sobbing as I left. But as I got up the first staircase, I remembered that I forgot Ron's medicine. It was because of that afterall that all of this happened. I turned around to go back, dreading, once again, my stupidity. That's when I saw Malfoy.  
  
But I still had on my cloak. I knew that if I just walked carefully he'd never know. Draco was wearing his pajamas. They were pink with fluffy pink bunnies on them. His slippers were also pink with bunnies. They looked so comfy that for a second I was about to take off the cloak and ask him where he got them. But then I remembered I was a guy, and didn't. But as I was distracted, I tripped over my own slipper-less feet and fell. The cloak slipped off. Luckily I had put something on underneith. I hit the flood with a loud thud followed by a swear I won't say.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Malfoy shouted and crouched down on the floor. "Help! Someone! I'm being attacked by a clumsy ghost!"  
  
"No Malfoy! You sexy little idiot! It's me, Harry! Now shut up you stuck-up pink bunny!"  
  
Malfoy got up and straightened his shirt. "Potter? God, you ARE bad about doing things after hours. Tell me, what ARE you doing?"  
  
"Well, I'm trying to get the medicine to cure Ron. He's quite annoying you know. Espicially while you're trying to sleep. That laugh rings right through the bed."  
  
Malfoy raised his eyebrows until they were in danger of snapping.  
  
"No no! I didn't mean it like that! You know that! Aw! you ARE gross! Why would Hermon want to snog you? I haven't the faintest idea!"  
  
"Hermon? Snog me? God no! EW! Nightmares!" He danced around in circles singing "unclean, unclean, unclean!" and the mouths of the bunnies seemed to sing too!  
  
When he was finished I said, "Yeah, she's dying to snog you. And she will too. Come with me." Malfoy didn't have anything better to do. He explained to me as we walked that he just walks around the halls showing off his new pajamas that his father gives him.  
  
We walked back down to Snape's office and walked right in. He was sitting there and he looked as if he had been crying. "Snape," I said, "I need something of yours. A cure to hysterical laughter."  
  
Snape gave a short squeal of hysterical laughter as if to demonstrate. He went to his supply closet and came back shortly. He set it on the table. Without looking at me he said, "is that all?"  
  
"Nope. I need you to tell Draco here that he and Hermon need to get together, snog and go up to at least second base. Or I'll tell the whole school that you and J-"  
  
"Enough! Alright. Draco, you heard him. Do as I say or 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 points will be deducted from Slytherin. And since we never get that much anyway, it will be for years to come. Understand?"  
  
"I understand. But what could you have possibly done to get such black-mail?"  
  
"Never you mind. Now go. First thing tomorrow you and Hermon will be snoging like the author of this story we're most ungreatfully taking part in and her crush should be. Now go!"  
  
Malfoy did as he was told, but he looked very confused. I took the medicine and left. This was going to be great! 


	9. A Snogging for the Ages

CHAPTER IX  
  
A Snogging for the Ages  
  
a/n: This is a good chapter, of course! This is a chapter mainly about Snape. And I know you're saying "aren't they all?" but this one really is. Let's just say he gets...tropical. There is an a/n at the end, so don't forget that! And of course...ENJOY!  
  
The next morning, after Ron took the cure and could finally shut up, Hermon was being snoged by Malfoy. And please don't let me get into the particulars for I think if I do I'll puke. Things seemed to be settling nicely when Snape walked in. His hair was bright orange.  
  
The Great Hall became suddenly silent. Then great laughter broke out within the students and teachers. McGonigal was on the floor, and Hagrid had to "step out".  
  
Snape walked sternly over to his chair at the teacher's table. There he sat, through it all, and ate breakfast. My first class was potions. That would be sweet.  
  
As Hermon, Ron and I sat down in our chairs for potions, we saw Snape already at his desk. Ron looked very relieved to be able to shut up, but in doing so he wouldn't stop talking. Hermon said she couldn't talk because her lips were sore, and Malfoy was icing his. But he looked very happy. (Finially, he was thinking, I snoged someone, finally! Reputations aren't always true! Finally!)  
  
When everyone was seated Snape walked up to the front of the room. He said, "all of you know about relationships. All of you must change yourself at one time or another to see how you look. To seem maybe more attractive. I have orange hair because..." he took a deep breath, "that is my original hair color. I washed it."  
  
The class was too astonished to even be astonished. Then a sudden out burst of laughter erupted. Malfoy was crying and banging his fist on his desk. Hermon fell out of her chair and I think finally became stupider. (Ron and I've been trying for ever so long!) For my part I was stomping the floor with both feet and screaming "1 something's got to give! 2 something's got to give! 3 Something's got to give!" Ron was the only one not laughing. He'd, I think, had enough of laughing.  
  
Snape, again, took it all in silence. He wasn't as sure about washing his hair as he was last night, but still pretty confident. The rest of his day was akward, as none of the teachers wanted to be near him. And do you know how hot he looks all alone at the teacher's table in the Great Hall? Just one lone tall, dark, handsome figure in the distance. All alone. I couldn't eat. I just wanted to comfort him. (a/n: ok, this is supposed to be sad...but it's in Harry's point of view so...) The rest of the day he gave double homework to everyone. To this day I don't know how Hermon and Malfoy got it all done. I mean the entire afternoon they were inseperable. And yes...he got to second base...  
  
a/n: Hey yall! I hope yall like it so far! I know, kinda out there! But seriously here people! This is a GOOD story! So just keep reading! And...ah...I just wanna tell you a funny story. I was writing the part where "I" (a.k.a. Harry) was singing "1 something's got to give" etc. (which is by the way from a song) and accidently I put this for the next sentence: Ron was the only one not laughing. 'He'd, I think, had to give.' I did my fair share of rolling on the floor laughing. I just can't believe I wrote that. I mean my mind told my fingers to write something, and my fingers wrote a totally different sentence-period and all. I mean-what's up with that? But anyway, back to the story! I hope you're enjoying it, and by all means, REVIEW! 


	10. Snape's tender Heart

CHAPTER X  
  
Snape's Tender Heart  
  
a/n: Yeah, well this chapter's really strange. I guess you could say it isn't much different from any of my other strange chapters, (they're all strange!=)) But this is really just kinda odd. You know the symbol for the ying yang? Black means evil. White means goodness. And there is some goodness in every evil. And visa versa. This chapter kinda represents that... but only half way. The half way in my chapter represents the white spot in the black...Enjoy! (and there's a tiny a/n at the end! =))  
  
That night there was a lot to think about. My love-life for one. I mean, this whole time the story's been about Hermon and Malfoy and Snape and his...many interests. I love Hermon, everyone knows that. I mean everyone except her. She could never know...now that she's with Malfoy. It tore me up to see them, but she's my friend and so...I had to help her. Her long frizzy hair is all I need to think about at night. And the way she holds her quill when she writes, *sigh*  
  
The only thing I could do would be to get her to love me. And I think I knew a way: blackmail, sweet sweet blackmail!  
  
I got out of bed and searched my dresser for my invisible cloak. But it's really hard to find things that are invisible. When I found it, I put it on and quietly walked down to Snape's dungeons. I knew he'd be there. In what state? I didn't know. But I knew he'd be there.  
  
And I was write. He was sitting in the back of his room, crying. Pain banged in my heart. I slipped off my hood and walked over to him.  
  
"Snape? You gonna be okay?" I asked soothingly.  
  
Tears stained his face as he looked up at me. "I think so" he said.  
  
"Well I came down here to ask you something, but maybe I'll ask you tomorrow night...or the night after that."  
  
"No, please! Ask me! I'm crying because people have been treating me differently. Please! Be mean! It's more blackmail you want right? Go ahead!"  
  
"Well, I need a love potion. It, it's not for me...It's for Ron..." I whispered, "he's lonely" and nodded my head.  
  
Snape sniffled and got up like a strong, young man would. And the leather helped too. I bit my fist. Hard. "Yeah," he said, clearing his throat, "right over here. I always have a supply. Okay, that sounded kinda strange but just forget that. Anyway, here." He handed me a small bottle. "I call it love potion number 9! It's a clishe' so I like it! Kinda like my resemblance to Dracula!"  
  
"Yeah, well thanks, I'll be going now." I turned to leave and said one last thing, "And Snape-your hair looks good!"  
  
It's all he needed to hear! It brightened his day and the next. His confidence in himself was rekindled. That only meant more homework!  
  
a/n: And yeah, I know I just made Snape sound really hot, but he couldn't hide it forever! 


	11. A Wonderful Morning

CHAPTER XI  
  
A Wonderful Morning for Revenge  
  
a/n: This isn't a very detailed chapter, but it is good! The love potion comes into effect, and that makes it great! And remember, even if you like Malfoy, he deserves pain! (evil laughter)  
  
I was sitting on my bed looking at the bottle in my hands. It was purple with nine X's on it. I wondred why it was purple but then I remembered it was Snape's. Purple is Snape's favorite color. Some may say pink is, but those of us who really know him, I mean REALLY know him, know otherwise. Purple looks good on him too, like black.  
  
The clock on my bedtable said it was 2 AM. There were hours before I had to worry about the love potion. But, like anyone in love, I had to worry now. And I did. Until about 7AM I worried. I still worried after 7, but that's when Hogwarts woke up.  
  
This was my plan: I would slip 3 drops of the love potion into Hermon's drink at breakfast. Then I would be sure I was the one she saw first. I didn't know what to do with Malfoy. I think he actually did like her. I could give him some to give to some other girl (or guy depending!). Or I could let him suffer...I decided to do the right thing...let him suffer!  
  
I would thank Snape that night, but the details I would think of later. Yes, blackmail is sweet! Finally breakfast was ready. I joined Ron and we walked down to the Great Hall. Hermon, of course, went with Malfoy. On the way I told Ron my plan. He said he'd help if I gave him some of the potion to use. I agreed.  
  
About half-way through breakfast, Hermon blowing kisses to the Slytherin table the whole time, Ron began. "Hey Hermon, I'm having trouble in herbology. Can you show me how to grow a dragon-seed?"  
  
"What? Oh sure. You-"  
  
"No, SHOW me! look, here's a plant. Over here, come'ere!" They walked away from the table. I heard them talking in the distance while I droped in 3 drops. Shortly they joined me at the table again.  
  
"Thanks, Hermon," Ron said. But Hermon was once again staring at Malfoy. I watched, sweating, until she took a sip of her oragne juice. It seemed to take forever, but she drank the whole thing.  
  
As soon as she put the cup down, I said, "Hermon, look!"  
  
She turned to me. "What is it, Harry? Oh Harry, you look so good today, is that a new shirt? Oh look! You got a spot on it!"  
  
"I do?" I said beginning to think it wouldn't work. I looked down at my shirt. And as I did Hermon's lips grabed mine and I fell out of my chair. She came too. And for the rest of breakfast, well, let's just say I'm glad I didn't look at Malfoy!  
  
That was the best breakfast of my life. When breakfast was over, and we had to tear our lips off each other, I saw that Snape was looking at us. I told Hermon to go to class, that I wanted to talk to Snape.  
  
"I thought the potion was for the Weasly boy, Mr. Potter!"  
  
"He's gonna use it too, carrot-top! Now shut up! I'VE got to get to class! And I've got a girl waiting!"  
  
I walked out of the Great Hall.  
  
The day went like this: Hermon and I snogged the whole day, and Malfoy was dicusted. I think around the third class Hermon broke up with him. One Hufflepuff girl in paticular seemed happy about this. Ron used the potion on some Ravenclaw girl that I hardly knew. But Ron I guess knew her, espicially by the end of the day. Snape watch us like a hawk, or watched us more so. With his new puffy haircut he had to duck to go through doors and everyone laughed. But I told him that if he punished anyone who laughed, well, the secret would be out. That worked! 


	12. Another Side of Snape

CHAPTER XII  
  
Another Side of Snape  
  
a/n: This chapter's kinda, almost, a repeat of a few other chapters mixed together. But it IS different. It's kinda sweet sctually. Spike comes into it again, and so does that fact that Snape is gay. Now, again, remember I'm trying to offend ANYONE! I'm just writing a story with gay people in it. And the same goes with the Buffy characters. I'm just trying to write a freakish, mixed up, confused, strange, yet humerous story. And I think it's working. But you tell me, REVIEW! And for Tigre and Panthre, the end of this chapter is for you, well the last sentence anyway!  
  
That night I decided to thank Snape. He HAD done a lot for me, so I had to do something. Actually I didn't mind sneaking out late at night. The Fat Lady was still wearing her summer outfit, and still very much expressive with her clothing. By midnight I would have only gotten about an hours sleep. Between doing my homework and snogging Hermon, they were late nights. But oh...was it worth it!  
  
I got down to Snape's office and lightly knocked on the door. I knew he'd be there. He was always there. No one answered my knock so I let myself in. A faint light shone in the back of the room and I heard someone sobbing. Rolling my eyes, I went to the sound.  
  
"Snape, what ARE you crying about now?"  
  
He was siting on the floor watching the TV. Through sniffles and gulps I could finally make out, "It's...Spike...He's...wearing leather pants...that bloody vampire!" He hit his fist against the floor and continued crying.  
  
I looked at the TV. The show Buffy the Vampire Slayer was on. "But, um, Snape...do wizards have Television sets? I thought that was a muggle thi...OH MY GOD! SNAPE'S A MUGGLE?"  
  
"No! Shut up you arrogant little potato! I'm not supposed to have this. If Filch sees it he'll have both of us scrubbing the floors for weeks! Now listen!" He was still crying, but my screaming bloody-murder sort of awoke him from a trance. "Watching this calms me down, so don't tell anyone. You add it to your whole 'black'mailing' thing if you want," he made a wave motion with his hand, "but I don't care. Just don't tell ANYONE!"  
  
"Sure. But look, I came down here to tell you something. I think you'll like it. I want to thank you for helping me. I know I was saying that it was only black-mail, but, well...I've done things I thought would never happen! I mean Hermon-" Snape rose his eye brows at me. "Well...she and Draco are happy." Lying's FUN! TRY IT! "So, let me help YOU! Who can I give the love potion to? I'll set it all up, you won't have to do a thing!"  
  
"No, I couldn't, I shouldn't!" Snape wasn't crying, but he WAS in dinial. How annoying!  
  
"Snape! I'm calling up my black-mail! Tell me who the bloody person is!" I said it with that icy whisper only Snape could use effectivly. I guess I could too!  
  
He glared up at me from the floor. His thin lips were straight across. And I think I saw running mascara from when he was crying. It was black mascara, and with his nearly blinding orange hair he looked like a jack-o-lantern! "His name is John. You don't know him."  
  
On the TV Buffy was smacking Spike for snogging her.  
  
I actually wasn't surprised that Snape liked a "John". I was expecting it. "Look, you smelly little loo, tell him to meet you somewhere and give him the potion. Or tomorrow morning" I began to shout, "EVERYONE WILL KNOW THAT SNAPE IS A HOMOSE-"  
  
Snape pulled me down. "Shut up you brat! Alright. I'll do it this weekend."  
  
"Good. I'll visit you again on Monday. And it BETTER be done!" I used that same cold whisper as before. It seemed to work.  
  
I left Snape, a crumpled, worried thing again. I rolled my eyes. "moron" I muttered under my breath. I walked, invisible, up to the Gryfindor Common Room. On the way I saw Malfoy crying and looking at a picture of Hermon. I did feel sorry, but what could I do? Nothing! Wahoo! Harry 1, Malfoy 0! I'd say he had a goose-egg, but well...using 0 is better. 


	13. A Beautiful Moment

CHAPTER XIII  
  
A Beautiful Moment  
  
a/n: Okay. This is the last chapter. But, I'll try not to cry. This has been my first fanfic, as you know, and I've really enjoyed it. I don't know why, but I feel published. Anyway, please review this chapter. It's really short. It isn't the funniest chapter, but It's pretty good. And please review about the ending. I wanna see how I did with that kind of writing. That kind of picture. Anyway, please read it and try not to cry! And if you like this story, I'll try writing my next soon! Oh-and tell your friends about me! =)  
  
The weekend was rather eventless. The only class we didn't have homework in was potions. Good, I thought, he's meeting John. I really wanted to tell Ron about the whole black-mail thing, but I knew I couldn't. Still, whenever we met at lunch he'd greet me by saying, "what's up, Harry?" I wanted to scream, "What's UP? I'll tell you what's UP! I learned that Snape was GAY, he's unnaturally EMOTIONAL, he CRIES, he's got this LOVE POTION, and he's going out with some guy named JOHN!" but all I said was, "nothing much, you?" Oh, the bloody irony!  
  
Malfoy, I saw, got that Hufflepuff girl right where he wanted her, which made me feel a little better. Ron was spending a lot of time with that Ravenclaw girl he 'knew so well'. Hermon and I were having fun too. And the newly-found-orange-headed Snape was still the laugh of Hogwarts. Even during Quiditch matches a joke was made now and again, espicially when the Slytherins lost.  
  
The Fat Lady had-somehow-gotten herself into even, excuse my language, sluttier clothes. But that meant the Summer holiday was coming soon. I guess it was a good year. I FINALLY got a girlfriend, and so did Ron. Hermon, of course got herself a boyfriend too, and a hot one at that! The weekend, as you can imagine, went really fast. And yes, by Monday morning I could hardly eat breakfast. My lips were so sore!  
  
"Harry-are you okay? You're eating through your nose."  
  
"What?" I said, sounding like a stuffed up nerd.  
  
"Swallow..."  
  
I swallowed. "Okay, now what's the problem?" I said in my normal voice. "I can't eat very well through my mouth. My lips hurt too much!"  
  
"From snogging Hermon all weekend?"  
  
"No-from snogging Malfoy-YES from snogging Hermon-where ya been?"  
  
"In the Ravenclaw Common Room!" He replied shooting a glance at the table next to ours. "How's Hermon doing? Can she eat normally?"  
  
I pointed a finger at Hermon. "You guess." Hermon was using a straw. One end was in her cereal. The other up her nose.  
  
"Oh. That explains it!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
After classes were over, I decided to see what happened with Snape and "John". As usual I headed over to Snape's office. It was after hours, but tonight a lot of people were out. Ron had, again, snuck into the Ravenclaw Common Room. (How do I know? His shirt was lying on the floor next to the hidden door.) Malfoy was again in brightly colored pajamas. This time, however, they weren't pink with bunnies, but a dark red with tiny white hearts scattred all over it. They were made from real Chinese silk. His natural blond hair was obviously not slept on, but had been messed up. (On purpose to redeem his reputation after Hermon left him for me, I thought modestly.) He was probably out trying to find the Hufflepuff door,  
  
When I got to his office, it was again lit up with that faint but familiar glow. Snape's bright orange hair seemed to light the room all in itself. But I hardly noticed. "Spike look hot tonight?" I came in saying.  
  
"Oh God-don't DO that!" He shrieked. "You scared me almost straight!"  
  
"Almost, huh? So your date went well?"  
  
"Well, let's just say he didn't not go well."  
  
"So, you're gonna be okay then?" I asked, starting to sit beside him.  
  
"Yeah, I am. Thanks Pott-Harry." He turned to me and for the first time I think since James left him he smiled. "Thanks."  
  
We then both turned to the TV and watched Buffy. It was one of those beautiful moments that don't come along every episode. In the background we heard a scream that we took to be Filch. Then Ron's shrieks echoed through the walls and Malfoy's sobs ran through our minds. But neither of us talked or looked away from the screen. Like I said, it was one of those beautiful moments that don't come along every episode... 


End file.
